Request: Saints Row – Lil’ Gyro

Now, I’ve never played Saints Row. It’s always been lauded to me as the “layman’s” Grand Theft Auto. Sometimes I imagine all the people who complain about the GTA series are actually confusing it with Saints Row, as I’m surprised Saints Row doesn’t draw as much controversy. Maybe people don’t want to mess with a game where you can beat people to death with giant sex toys. It would probably seriously destroy a lot of peoples deepest and darkest desires if Saints Row was removed from the shelves. Either way, for one reason or another, Saints Row is incredibly popular and I’ve heard some awesome things about the third instalment. Since I don’t live in America and Greek food isn’t so popular here, I had no idea what a Gyro was when requests for it started to appear, even with my impressive American-internet food knowledge. Oh, I have spent many a hour dribbling over MoonPies and peanut butter Oreos. I was, however, aware of them in their popular ‘British’ form of doner kebab and my preferred Middle Eastern version; the shawarma. With a little research and taking inspiration from what I’ve eaten that’s similar, I’ve created a recipe for the Lil’ Gyro.

This recipe serves 4-6.

What you will need: A griddle pan and tin/aluminium foil.

Ingredients:

3 Tablespoons Olive Oil

½ Teaspoon:

• Cardamom Pods (Crushed)
• Cinnamon
• Nutmeg

Salt and Pepper

300g / 10oz Lamb (Diced or Shredded)

1 Medium White Onion (Chopped)

1 Medium Green Bell Pepper (Chopped)

100g / 1 Cup Red Cabbage (Chopped)

4-6 Pita Breads

To Garnish:

Tomatoes

Lettuce

Tzatziki

Cucumber

Making the Lil’ Gyro:

1. Place the lamb into a bowl. Add the olive oil, cardamom, cinnamon, nutmeg and a pinch of salt and pepper. Mix well and leave to marinate for about 20 minutes.
2. Heat the griddle pan on a medium-high heat. Once hot, toss the prepared onion, green bell pepper and red cabbage in a little bit of olive oil before adding to the pan.
3. Cook the vegetables until they’re soft, then remove from them from the pan and set aside for later.
4. While the pan is still warm, add the lamb and cook until tender. Remove the lamb and place it in a bowl while you warm the pita.
5. In a preheated oven, place the pita bread until it’s soft and warm. You have to work while the bread is hot, so make sure all your ingredients are near by.
6. If it helps, make some small vertical slices on the underside of the pita to help you roll it up. Fill it with the salad, tomatoes, lamb, vegetables and finally finish it off with some tzatziki and slices of cucumber. Roll up the pita, wrap it in tin/aluminium foil and enjoy!

For any vegetarians, like me, you can replace the lamb with aubergine and grill it up; super delicious! You could also add some red chillies to increase the spice. This is probably nothing like any Gyro you can get in America and I’m not sorry. Because it’s better. That’s right. Better. The Lil’ Gyro is surprisingly large; a fantastic medley of fresh flavours and spiced, warming lamb. This is one meat you can’t beat. I’m so sorry.

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Grand Theft Auto IV – Cluckin’ Bell Fowl Burger

To celebrate the Grand Theft Auto V trailer that was released today here’s a recipe for the Cluckin’ Bell foul ‘Fowl Burger’! Now you can pee your pants over the trailer while you stuff your face and feel just like Niko Bellic! There’s only a couple Cluckin’ Bell restaurants dotted around Liberty City compared to the role the restaurant played in earlier versions of GTA (where you could order up to 4 meals including a salad) but in GTA IV the $1 fowl burger is your only option. I was seriously tempted, like with ‘The Heart Stopper’, to make the “Stuffed Pollo Todo Frito”; you can watch the advert and witness a corncob being stuffed up a chickens bum if that’s your sort of thing – but again it was costly and extraordinary and not exactly available to Niko in-game. Some day… SOME DAY I will make both of these just for the sheer glory and meat sweats.

This recipe serves 1.

What you will need: A frying pan, meat tenderiser, 2 bowls.

For the Fowl Burger:

Olive Oil

1 Large Chicken Breast

50g / ½ Cup Breadcrumbs

1 Tablespoon Ground Cumin

1 Tablespoon Ground Coriander

1 Tablespoon Paprika

1 Egg

Ketchup

Mayonnaise

White Burger Bun / Bread roll

Baby Gem Lettuce Leaves

1 Baby Shallot

1 Slice of Mild Cheddar Cheese

Making the Fowl Burger:

1. Combine the cumin, coriander and paprika with the breadcrumbs in a bowl and mix well. In another beat the egg and set aside.
2. Heat a good amount of olive oil in a frying pan on a medium high heat. Beat the chicken breast so it is about 1-2cm thick, cut in half so you have two evenly sized pieces.
3. Dip them in the egg and then coat well in the breadcrumb mixture.
4. Once the oil is hot enough, fry the coated chicken breasts for about 4 minutes each side or until golden brown and cooked through.
5. Toast the bun then layer ketchup, lettuce, chicken, cheese, lettuce, chicken, lettuce, mayonnaise, sliced shallot and close with the top of the bun.
6. Serve with fries and a Sprunk and enjoy; the chicken didn’t die in vain.

I don’t know about you, but any time I’ve walked into a Cluckin’ Bell some guy starts a fight with me, these gangs seem pretty protective of this chicken so it must be pretty awesome. Cluckin’ Bell dutifully promises that they provide ‘billions of chickens with a very happy resting place – your stomach!’ so what more reason do you need to eat this?! Just don’t choke-a-doodle-doo, chicks and cocks.

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Grand Theft Auto IV - “The Bleeder”

Like many of you recently, I’d become completely addicted to Rockstar’s latest offering L.A Noire. So when it came to thinking about what to make this week I decided to have a look through the Rockstar back catalogue for inspiration. Thankfully Grand Theft Auto has always offered a range of foods from every incarnation, but I felt Liberty City from GTA IV had the most iconic choices to pick from. My original thought was the myth of “The Heart Stopper”, 6lbs of meat and cheese that will “Kill someone in 5 seconds flat”. Although advertised throughout the game you can only buy a “Bleeder” for $1 at a Burger Shot despite the visible menu options that were also previously available in Vice City and San Andreas. Sadly after a little research “The Heart Stopper” became more and more out of reach due to the cost of creating such a burger (I’m thinking of starting a “Heart Stopper” donation fund) and eventually I settled on the option that was actually available to the player, so it seemed like a fair compromise.

My recipe for “The Bleeder” is based solely off the menu picture in the restaurant. It contains two ¼ pounder burgers, two types of cheese and four sauces obviously topped with bacon to create a seriously awesome burger that unlike “The Heart Stopper” wont send you to your grave, but will bring you one step closer.

With this recipe please feel free to substitute some of the ingredients to suit your tastes, I’m simply providing the ingredients that I used to create the type of burger I wanted for “The Bleeder”.

This recipe serves 1.

What you will need:

Frying pan, griddle pan (Or whatever you like to cook your burger on), deep pot or a deep fat fryer.

Ingredients:

1 Large White Burger Bun

2 ¼ Pound Beef Patties 

2 Types of Cheese - Mature Red Cheddar, Applewood Mild Smoked Cheddar (I chose pre-sliced for ease)

3 Pieces of Bacon (Unsmoked)

1 Medium Gherkin

1 Large Ripe Tomato

1 Head of Butterhead Lettuce

4 Sauces - Mayonnaise, French’s American Mustard, Smoky Chipotle Chilli Relish, Ketchup

For the Crispy Onions:

1 Medium White Onion

Flour

Salt and Pepper

Oil

For the Garnish:

1 Wooden Skewer

Preparing the Crispy Onions:

1. Heat some oil in a deep pan (or use a deep fat fryer if you have one).
2. Slice the onion into thin rings.
3. Season the flour with a little salt and pepper.
4. Coat the onions in the flour mixture then dust off any excess.
5. Drop the onions into the heated oil and fry until crispy.

Preparations:

1. Slice the gherkin and tomato and tear off a few lettuce leafs. 
2. Fry the bacon in a little oil in a frying pan until nicely crisp.
3. If your burgers seem thick; I’d recommend flattening them out so that they cook into a thinner and wider shape unless you want a tower of meat like mine.
4. Cook your burgers however you like them. I’ve chosen to cook mine in a griddle pan for a little added flavour and have cooked them medium rare.
5. Once cooked layer the mature red cheddar, gherkin and Applewood cheese on to one of the burgers and place under a grill for a few minutes until the cheese has melted a little.

Preparing the Burger:

1. Slice in the burger bun in half and warm through by placing in an oven.
2. Layer the burger up in the following order, from bottom to top: bun, mayonnaise, lettuce, tomato, burger, mature cheddar, gherkins, Applewood cheese, American mustard, burger, chilli relish, crispy onions, bacon, ketchup, bun.
3. Slide the skewer through the burger to hold it together!

Best served with an ice cold Pißwasser on the side!

Although my burger is clearly massive and doesn’t exactly resemble the one on the Burger Shot menu, I’m still calling this a success. Those I made it for hailed it as “the worlds greatest tasting burger” and complimented the balance of flavour within it. Since I made it I’ve edited the recipe slightly to create a more faithful visual representation of “The Bleeder”, resulting in a flatter appearance. In fact, the veggie-burger version I made looked more like it was from Burger Shot. It was delicious and something I will most definitely be making again because right after I ate it I wished I’d had another one to gobble.

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